Sometimes You Just Need A Change.

I don’t know why, but this year, something has kick started me. Maybe it’s realising I’ve grown up. Sure, sometimes I still come home and think about crying because of the things they say, but maybe that has spurred me on.

Although, I’m worried the ways these things have affected me. First week back at school, I cycled 100km in the week, which seemed sensible, but by the third week it’s reached 200. Often I’m up till midnight, working on something or just trying to have half an hour to relax. Maybe it was just me, or maybe something they said finally clicked. I do worry, but can not stop myself. See, I had a riding accident about six years back and was basically house bound for too long, this followed by a broken wrist and foot that meant my sports got pushed aside. I gained weight, and to be honest, it’s not all gone yet. Yet, I can’t shed the image of year 8 me, little too fat around all her thin friends. People at school still make fat jokes and call me ‘obese’.

Maybe it’s to prove something, to everyone who has said I was never good enough. I want to go back to year 13 and amaze them. I want to be able to say to anyone, who’s every laughed at me, “look at me now”. I’ll thank them for their torment if I achieve it…although, if my cycling rate keeps up I’ll be doing a good few 1000km a day by then.

I feel as though I have something to prove, but have no idea what. Sure, it may just be to me…but there’s something spurring me on and I don’t know what.

In the past year I’ve realised a lot about myself. I went to Japan and learnt I wasn’t as antisocial as people perceived me to be. Thinking I had the problem was the problem. I’ve always put myself down, but there were these people, who just accepted me without knowing anything except I wanted to be friends.

To be honest, I’m not sure if this blog has a purpose. It’s me exploring these new things I’m being driven towards. It’s scary. No longer do I have the time to be on GSB 24/7; my facts are sometimes a last minute rush to post. MSN is a struggle and often I have to leave the laptop on while I go achieve other things.

I worry for my health. I had an MRI last week and am due for an EEG tomorrow. Things are all over the place and I just want to tell the world, but I am worried people will think I’m searching for attention. There’s a funeral on Friday that I’m going to and the week is so messed up that I can’t see straight. But I worry to tell people. The funeral is on the one year anniversary of my grandma’s death. If I tell anyone, I worry they’ll think I want attention.

This is meant to be the most depressing day of the year. And all I can do is cry.

I don’t know what’s happening to me. But I’d rather not know. I can worry less that way.
Posted on January 19th, 2009 at 05:57pm


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