How to Open a Door

It's been a while since I wrote one of these. Unfortunately I deleted all my old blogs, I really wish I didn't do that. Everybody loved my old blogs. (Well.......almost everybody.) They were all Instructional Blogs with directions of how to do the most basic and obvious things in the world.

This is my comeback blog. To all my old fans, I hope this blog doesn't disappoint you. If it does I'm sorry. To those who never read my old blogs, if this blog sucks I'm sorry. All of my original ideas were much better. Hopefully I've still got it. I dedicate this blog to all my peeps.

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Your days of walking through walls are over! No more broken bones or concussions, it all ends today. You are on your way to discovering the secrets of opening doors. Come with me, Master Cheechoo. I will teach you all there is to know.

Now I'm sure I'm already moving too fast for you. I'm sure you have plenty of questions already like "What is a door?" and "Why does my head still hurt?". Don't worry you're in luck, I have answers to both of them! Webster defines a door as : " a usually swinging or sliding barrier by which an entry is closed and opened". If you are still confused please refer to this picture :

It will pretty much look like this
Image

To answer the second question, you are probably suffering from post concussion syndrome.

Now that I've answered those questions I'm sure you're thinking "Thanks Master Cheechoo! I now know everything there is about opening and walking through doors!". Well guess what, you're WRONG! At this point you should be able to identify a door. If not just walk away right now, you're just wasting your time.

Now that you can successfully identify a door it is time for me to teach you how to open one. Like everything else in life though, before I can teach you how to open a door you must learn the history of a door. Without this crucial background information you will never succeed.

The earliest records of doors go way back to ancient Egyptian times. These doors would be used in the tombs of the dead and were made of wood. Usually these doors were about 8 feet wide and 27 feet tall. In a more modern ancient world, the ancient Greeks and Romans had doors much differently than those darn Egyptians. They had sliding doors and folding doors which were much smaller than the Egyptian doors. These were hinged.

The first ever foot sensor activated automatic door was invented in China. (big surprise right?) As we all should have learned in 1st grade, Chinese Emperor Yang of Sui reigned in China between the years of 604 and 618. This automatic door was built somewhere in that time frame for it was installed in the emperor's royal library.

I could take you through the entire time line of doors throughout history but we don't have 100 years to read all that do we? You need to learn how to open doors NOW! So we'll skip ahead to the present day where we have hinged doors. Most doors are hinged along one side to allow the door to pivot away from the doorway in one direction but not in the other.

The history lesson is over. Now I'm sure you've got plenty of questions like "Is Egypt a door?" and "What's a hinge?" and "did Emperor Yang kill Emperor Wen?". I would love to answer these questions for you but it's time to move on. I'll save these answers for another time.

Take a deep breath! You've taken in a lot of information. Without this vital info though you would fail time and time again at the steps that I'm about to give you. You may need to take a 5 minute break or maybe a 15 minute nap before continuing. It's possible your brain may overload with too much information so go at your own pace.

It's time. Now that you can identify a door with ease and know the history of doors your are ready to open a door all by yourself! Follow these easy steps and you will surely succeed :

Step 1 : Locate a door nearest you

Step 2 : Approach the door

Step 3 : Locate the door knob (see photo below)

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Step 4 : Secure your hand around the door knob

Step 5 : Turn the door knob to the left (note : the door may be locked. if so you must unlock it. for instructions on how to unlock a door refer to blog titled "How to Unlock a Door" [not yet released]. )

Step 6 : Either push the door or pull it to open it. If one does not work try the other. Be very cautious not to bump your head on the door when attempting to open it.

Step 7: Take your hand off the door knob

Step 8 : (optional) Walk through the now opened door

Congratulations! After following my steps you should have successfully opened your first door! Celebrate! Eat some toast or go to your local restaurant and tell them Cheechoo sent you! You'll get all the free toast you can eat!

To make sure it wasn't a fluke, try opening all the doors in your house! Once you're confident enough, impress your friends! Amaze your neighbors! Invite them over and show them how to open doors! Within no time you'll be Mr. Popular! No go out into the world..........and open doors.



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I hope you enjoyed my new blog. If not I'm sorry for wasting your time.

-Cheechoo-
Posted on January 15th, 2010 at 02:03am

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