Animal Crackers In My Apple Pie (A Who The Fuck Is Tre Cool Story), chapter 2
A simple thing really, picking out an outift to go with a pink hat. WRONG! I have been sitting in store for ages rumaging through the selection of pants I could get. Millions of them thrown on the floor, pink ones, striped ones, banana printed, zebra prints, AND YET NONE OF THEM MATCH MY PERFECT HAT! I mean sure the pink pants are the same shade and everything BUT you can't just have pink everything!! It's not natural, just like the lady over there with the mustache sorting out the close I threw.
The store was very...well different is the only way to discribe it. I can't very well explain what a store looks like. It's only a store. Just then a hot brunnette walks past me! SHE WAS REALLY HOT!
So like always I charm the pants off her and end up doing it in a stall. I swear I have don't it everywhere. But all I have to tell you is don't fuck someone in a golf course! I had a golf ball stuck up my ass for like three days! Anywho so yeah after that she got dressed and slipped a phone number into my pocket, like fuck I'm gonna start a relationship! So when she leaves the store I walk into the main part of that thing where the doors are and just then like a sign from fucking God, there they were. Plaid pants!! Not just any plaid pants...pink plaid pants that mathc my pink hat I'm taking on tour! I slaped myself to stop the music from playing in my head, it didn't work and all the way home as I looked at my beautiful new pants and pink helium balloon the music still played. After awhile the cab driver started to look at me funny, so what I was putting on the pants in the cab? I bet it happens all the time. Just like when you see people jumping off moving trains, it's true it happens alot, I've done it!
And I recomened all people with low tolerance for someone to push them of a building, it's funny cause they think they're gonna die! Always remember what goes down will always fall....but there can be a trampoleen to stop it from hurting to much!! Ah my balloon fell up!
I walked into my house, why is Leanna here? She screamed at me to get out of the bathroom...why is she even in my bathroom using my venus raisor in the first place?! It's her own damn fault if she finds my kinky sex toys!
"What the hell are you doing in my house?" she screams at me. Why is she screaming at ME!
Let's just pause this story for a minute and explain the four reasons why it's not right to yell at Tre Cool, the sexiest man alive!
#1. I am the all mighty Tre Cool!!
#1. This is my fucking house she dicided to walk into, clearly I should be the one yelling!
#4. I only saw a bit of her ass, hardly enough to turn me on!!
"Helloo," she waved her hands infront of my face (very rude, in my mental book of things not to do I shall add that! Right beside petting uncooked meat then eating it (I'm never doing that again).) "What are you looking at? Why are you just standing there get out!" she pushed me out the door... why is she pushing me out of my house! What ever I'll go to a bar and get drunk a good way to celebrate!
So of course when I walk into the bar all the chocks are watching me (I know I'm that hot!), but I promised this outting was only for getting drunk nothing sexually oreinted. And I'm sticking to it. I walked over to bar.
"Hi."
BAM! In no time we were in my living room, clothes being thrown carelessly about. So what I broke my promise? I'm not gonna turn down a good fuck now just cause of a promise that wasn't really a promise, just something I told myself just in case I didn't get lucky (Highly unlikely for me to get unlucky but what ever).
I don't even remember my name let alone hers. I could have sworn I wasn't gonna fuck anyone last night too. Oh well. It was six in the morning and she was running around the living room picking up her clothes. Naturally like a gentalmen I 'tossed' her the bra, it was a silk bra. I made up rules from my expierances with fucking so I know these things, girls who wear silk bras are skanky yet when you fuck them they get all "Oh my god what have I done! I feel like such a skank!" NOW girls who wear the freaky colours and they have all those disigns on them they are the best, they are good in bed, understand if you either want a one night stand or a long term relationship and always leave quietly so a). they don't disturb you and c). so there aren't any akward good byes. See I know chicks like a sock!
I sat there until that chick I fucked was done walking around the room as if there was somethign to worry about, why doesn't she get it was just a one night stand? Honestly people can be so clingy sometimes! Oh look a spider! I want to call it benji and keep it forever!
So after I explain to her what a one night stand is she calls me a dick and storms out of the house. What's the big deal? Anyway since I'm up anyway I better get ready to go over to Mikes. We are all supossed to meet there.
When I get there it was around 7:30 a.m., I have to walk since they took away my drivers licence. The police didn't understand that I just bent down to get my beer for a few seconds and the mailbox came out of nowhere! Honeslty it was like magic!
Mike was on his tredmill again, I don't understand he is always on it! Everytime I come here he is looking threw some weird business crap or the news paper or shit like that. Miles (our manager person, I talked about him before) was sitting on the chair watching Mike and telling him about the details of the trip and shit, Billie was in a bad mood and running around looking for tylonal, although I wouldn't call it running since he had a hong over... it was more like watching an agressive fish. With putine.
Woohooo new tour bus! I ran around looking threw things... for some reason I found out that Mike has a dairy..so I read that. Ohhh he has a crush on Leanna... by the way I haven't seen my tooth brush anywhere. "Leanna!! Leanna, where's my tooth brush!"
Miles walked into the room "You forgot already?" what the hell was he talking about? Forget what?
"Huh?"
"Leanna quite, she said that she was being sexually harrassed last night by one of you... she didn't mention any names so you are all off the hook for being charged." Oh what kind of sick person would sexually harras her? Sick prick. Hahaha that rhymes. "But anyway we are getting a new assistent. Oh she will be goining us tomorrow just to give you a heads up."
There was a long silence....so I broke it "Leanna was a bitch anyway." Mike got all red faced and stormed off into the bathroom after retrieving his dairy...what's his problem?
The trip was long but we finally got to a fast food place!! I want a kids meal they have toys... oh god damnit the only fast food place without the kids meals that come with toys and we have to stop there!
I needed to pee like a banchi so Mike took me to the washrooms. Oh people!! Usually I'm not aloud out of the van...they never really explained why properly.. something about animal control. Which reminds me the other day I sat in some grass and now I have an itch everywhere on my body! It's getting so anoying I could rip my eyebrows off....well maybe Billie's eyebrows..his eyebrows are really big. I want to pluck them so bad. BUT of course everytime I attempt to Adrienne wakes up and kicks me out of the house! I luvvrree her like a sister but my god she can be vicious!
I took a picture of me on the toilet, it's a tradition... I always take a picture of the bathrooms I've shit in..then I clog them with toilet paper and take a picture when it's over flowed. It's hilarious... I'm just glad no one has found it yet...that would be hard to explain..and the picture of Mike naked. I swear it was a long time ago and I needed a nude painting for art nothing more!
Mike was for some reason running around the fast food thing saying "I'm a real boy!" Oh god he found my other stash didn't he. That sick fuck! That was my last stash..next to the one I keep in my shoe and lugagge....I swear it's only for safety reasons.
I ended up joining Mike in the festivities and after we got kicked out we went to the tour busie!! Billie was on the phone with...Adrienne I'm asuming since he has started talking in that sickeningly sweet voice. Love is disgusting. I am much more happier single then attatch to someone. I mean who wants the whole long term thing.. you only end up spending to long with them that you'll get bored of them and then dump them...or divorce. No point I tell you!
I went into my room to add the two pictures to my collection. I have a secret book thta I have kept for about ....well since I was twelve. It has everything in it. Rules on dating, fucking everything! Even pictures of shit. When I'm bored I flip threw everything... damn I was a sexy child...I don't know why someone didn't molest me!
Billie and Mike are looking threw my book now... I am on the floor picking up my gummy worms..blast them for throwing them on the floor! They know my weakness.
Well I finished picking the gummies up. But Billie and Mike aren't done with the book so I waited patiently while complaining aboutt he trip. I am feeling a bit tour bussie sick. ICK!
Oh I feel like singing!
Don't you put it in your mouth,
'til you ask someone you love,
Cause you could get sick!
Ick
Real sick
Real ick!
well that was fun. (remember don't eat things you find on floors or in churches). Oh look a penny! Mmm you know I've always loved the taste of pennies...although usually I have to cut my shit up until I find it so I don't die. Ow Mike slapped me! I wasn't doing anything wrong.
Ugh I must make a metal note to never barf weather Mike tells me to or not. I saw things moving! Ohh purple abucuses... what are abucuses. They make me seem smart though.
Ah yes, the first show...which means I get to wear my pink hat and gorgious new pants!! I was putting on my pants and I glimpsed at myself in the mirror (alright so what I was checking out my ass...I have a hot ass!! Leave me be!) when I happen to see my whole back side covered in redness!! I did the only thing I could do.... call for Billie.
Billie wasn't that good of help he just told me to suck it up for the show and then we will go to the hospital after. But I know either he is gonna get drunk or I am. It's quite a perdicament really. And I really wanted to play bump bump (I hope you all know what I am referring to) with someone tonight!
I walked into the little area where we are supossed to get ready for the gigs but really everyone goes there to get high. I felt like singing again so naturally I broke out singing Gin n' Juice by Snoop Dogg!
The store was very...well different is the only way to discribe it. I can't very well explain what a store looks like. It's only a store. Just then a hot brunnette walks past me! SHE WAS REALLY HOT!
So like always I charm the pants off her and end up doing it in a stall. I swear I have don't it everywhere. But all I have to tell you is don't fuck someone in a golf course! I had a golf ball stuck up my ass for like three days! Anywho so yeah after that she got dressed and slipped a phone number into my pocket, like fuck I'm gonna start a relationship! So when she leaves the store I walk into the main part of that thing where the doors are and just then like a sign from fucking God, there they were. Plaid pants!! Not just any plaid pants...pink plaid pants that mathc my pink hat I'm taking on tour! I slaped myself to stop the music from playing in my head, it didn't work and all the way home as I looked at my beautiful new pants and pink helium balloon the music still played. After awhile the cab driver started to look at me funny, so what I was putting on the pants in the cab? I bet it happens all the time. Just like when you see people jumping off moving trains, it's true it happens alot, I've done it!
And I recomened all people with low tolerance for someone to push them of a building, it's funny cause they think they're gonna die! Always remember what goes down will always fall....but there can be a trampoleen to stop it from hurting to much!! Ah my balloon fell up!
I walked into my house, why is Leanna here? She screamed at me to get out of the bathroom...why is she even in my bathroom using my venus raisor in the first place?! It's her own damn fault if she finds my kinky sex toys!
"What the hell are you doing in my house?" she screams at me. Why is she screaming at ME!
Let's just pause this story for a minute and explain the four reasons why it's not right to yell at Tre Cool, the sexiest man alive!
#1. I am the all mighty Tre Cool!!
#1. This is my fucking house she dicided to walk into, clearly I should be the one yelling!
#4. I only saw a bit of her ass, hardly enough to turn me on!!
"Helloo," she waved her hands infront of my face (very rude, in my mental book of things not to do I shall add that! Right beside petting uncooked meat then eating it (I'm never doing that again).) "What are you looking at? Why are you just standing there get out!" she pushed me out the door... why is she pushing me out of my house! What ever I'll go to a bar and get drunk a good way to celebrate!
So of course when I walk into the bar all the chocks are watching me (I know I'm that hot!), but I promised this outting was only for getting drunk nothing sexually oreinted. And I'm sticking to it. I walked over to bar.
"Hi."
BAM! In no time we were in my living room, clothes being thrown carelessly about. So what I broke my promise? I'm not gonna turn down a good fuck now just cause of a promise that wasn't really a promise, just something I told myself just in case I didn't get lucky (Highly unlikely for me to get unlucky but what ever).
I don't even remember my name let alone hers. I could have sworn I wasn't gonna fuck anyone last night too. Oh well. It was six in the morning and she was running around the living room picking up her clothes. Naturally like a gentalmen I 'tossed' her the bra, it was a silk bra. I made up rules from my expierances with fucking so I know these things, girls who wear silk bras are skanky yet when you fuck them they get all "Oh my god what have I done! I feel like such a skank!" NOW girls who wear the freaky colours and they have all those disigns on them they are the best, they are good in bed, understand if you either want a one night stand or a long term relationship and always leave quietly so a). they don't disturb you and c). so there aren't any akward good byes. See I know chicks like a sock!
I sat there until that chick I fucked was done walking around the room as if there was somethign to worry about, why doesn't she get it was just a one night stand? Honestly people can be so clingy sometimes! Oh look a spider! I want to call it benji and keep it forever!
So after I explain to her what a one night stand is she calls me a dick and storms out of the house. What's the big deal? Anyway since I'm up anyway I better get ready to go over to Mikes. We are all supossed to meet there.
When I get there it was around 7:30 a.m., I have to walk since they took away my drivers licence. The police didn't understand that I just bent down to get my beer for a few seconds and the mailbox came out of nowhere! Honeslty it was like magic!
Mike was on his tredmill again, I don't understand he is always on it! Everytime I come here he is looking threw some weird business crap or the news paper or shit like that. Miles (our manager person, I talked about him before) was sitting on the chair watching Mike and telling him about the details of the trip and shit, Billie was in a bad mood and running around looking for tylonal, although I wouldn't call it running since he had a hong over... it was more like watching an agressive fish. With putine.
Woohooo new tour bus! I ran around looking threw things... for some reason I found out that Mike has a dairy..so I read that. Ohhh he has a crush on Leanna... by the way I haven't seen my tooth brush anywhere. "Leanna!! Leanna, where's my tooth brush!"
Miles walked into the room "You forgot already?" what the hell was he talking about? Forget what?
"Huh?"
"Leanna quite, she said that she was being sexually harrassed last night by one of you... she didn't mention any names so you are all off the hook for being charged." Oh what kind of sick person would sexually harras her? Sick prick. Hahaha that rhymes. "But anyway we are getting a new assistent. Oh she will be goining us tomorrow just to give you a heads up."
There was a long silence....so I broke it "Leanna was a bitch anyway." Mike got all red faced and stormed off into the bathroom after retrieving his dairy...what's his problem?
The trip was long but we finally got to a fast food place!! I want a kids meal they have toys... oh god damnit the only fast food place without the kids meals that come with toys and we have to stop there!
I needed to pee like a banchi so Mike took me to the washrooms. Oh people!! Usually I'm not aloud out of the van...they never really explained why properly.. something about animal control. Which reminds me the other day I sat in some grass and now I have an itch everywhere on my body! It's getting so anoying I could rip my eyebrows off....well maybe Billie's eyebrows..his eyebrows are really big. I want to pluck them so bad. BUT of course everytime I attempt to Adrienne wakes up and kicks me out of the house! I luvvrree her like a sister but my god she can be vicious!
I took a picture of me on the toilet, it's a tradition... I always take a picture of the bathrooms I've shit in..then I clog them with toilet paper and take a picture when it's over flowed. It's hilarious... I'm just glad no one has found it yet...that would be hard to explain..and the picture of Mike naked. I swear it was a long time ago and I needed a nude painting for art nothing more!
Mike was for some reason running around the fast food thing saying "I'm a real boy!" Oh god he found my other stash didn't he. That sick fuck! That was my last stash..next to the one I keep in my shoe and lugagge....I swear it's only for safety reasons.
I ended up joining Mike in the festivities and after we got kicked out we went to the tour busie!! Billie was on the phone with...Adrienne I'm asuming since he has started talking in that sickeningly sweet voice. Love is disgusting. I am much more happier single then attatch to someone. I mean who wants the whole long term thing.. you only end up spending to long with them that you'll get bored of them and then dump them...or divorce. No point I tell you!
I went into my room to add the two pictures to my collection. I have a secret book thta I have kept for about ....well since I was twelve. It has everything in it. Rules on dating, fucking everything! Even pictures of shit. When I'm bored I flip threw everything... damn I was a sexy child...I don't know why someone didn't molest me!
Billie and Mike are looking threw my book now... I am on the floor picking up my gummy worms..blast them for throwing them on the floor! They know my weakness.
Well I finished picking the gummies up. But Billie and Mike aren't done with the book so I waited patiently while complaining aboutt he trip. I am feeling a bit tour bussie sick. ICK!
Oh I feel like singing!
Don't you put it in your mouth,
'til you ask someone you love,
Cause you could get sick!
Ick
Real sick
Real ick!
well that was fun. (remember don't eat things you find on floors or in churches). Oh look a penny! Mmm you know I've always loved the taste of pennies...although usually I have to cut my shit up until I find it so I don't die. Ow Mike slapped me! I wasn't doing anything wrong.
Ugh I must make a metal note to never barf weather Mike tells me to or not. I saw things moving! Ohh purple abucuses... what are abucuses. They make me seem smart though.
Ah yes, the first show...which means I get to wear my pink hat and gorgious new pants!! I was putting on my pants and I glimpsed at myself in the mirror (alright so what I was checking out my ass...I have a hot ass!! Leave me be!) when I happen to see my whole back side covered in redness!! I did the only thing I could do.... call for Billie.
Billie wasn't that good of help he just told me to suck it up for the show and then we will go to the hospital after. But I know either he is gonna get drunk or I am. It's quite a perdicament really. And I really wanted to play bump bump (I hope you all know what I am referring to) with someone tonight!
I walked into the little area where we are supossed to get ready for the gigs but really everyone goes there to get high. I felt like singing again so naturally I broke out singing Gin n' Juice by Snoop Dogg!
