Animal Crackers In My Apple Pie (A Who The Fuck Is Tre Cool Story), chapter 3
I'm sitting in my hotel room on the floor. An odd place to be surrounded by Oprah books on how to lose weight, dating tips (not that I need any tips) and millions of tissues thrown on the floor don't you think? Well under the circumstances I have to disagree. It all happened after the concert....
I was looking as perfect as ever before I went on stage then next thing I know Mike threw a cooking pan at my head and I woke up in a white room surrounded by doctor peoples.
Of course they had to tell me that Mike thought I was some pervert trying to get in his pants when I just came up to say hello... it's not my fault my hands slipped a bit! But anyway I had apparently broken out into...that itchy stuff..not chicken pox but like...a rash that's it!
(I want chicken soup..oh I was watching the Discovery Channel yesterday and apparently chickens run around for like ten minutes after getting their heads cut off... interesting isn't it!)
So since I got to the hotel room five days ago I have locked myself in here until the rash is gone. It almost looks like a burn. My beautiful face! How could this happen to me? I mean really of all the people it had to happen too, me.
Yup, that's what happened. Oh I have been reading this facinating book called Casinova something...and I have been doing more thinking then I ever have before.
See this guy, Casinova, slept with like...lots of women and he got really attached to them and instead of just having one night stands after he broek apart from them he still loved them and wrote to them and shit. So I've decided being the genious I am, that I will do that too. It's perfect. But since I have screwed all relationships up with all these other girls I have to start fresh!
I'm laying here watching Pretty Woman (the best movie ever! Go Julia Roberts!). Oh there's a knock on the door. Mike walks in and takes a look at me and kind of flinches. I hate him. Oh but look who's behind him! You'll never guess who! Leanna oh and who's that guy behind her... he has a nice tan. He's to tall for her though! I mean I don't mean to jump to conclusions but I think they may be dating seeing as they are giving each other that eye thing like 'wanna ditch this place and fuck like rabbits in the other room?' kind of thing.
I wonder what I would look like in pink socks...I feel the urge to buy things..but yet I can't go out looking like this. Can I?
Any way, whatever is going on between them won't last. No man with a tan like that ever stays hooked to someone for a long time. I look over to Leanna, she has gotten shorter then before. And why is she here anyway?
"Tre." I look away from Leanna towards Mike who interupted my train of thought... what was I thinking anyway? Oh well it mustn't of been important....
Is there something burning. OH MY GOD! My spinach puffs! I got up and ran into the little kitchen. Oh good they aren't that burnt..as long as you take off the first layer of pastery it is fine.
"Tre." Again Mike comes into the room followed by Leanna and that tanned dude. My toe hurts I stubbed it on the edge of something while doing exercises. "Tre!! Leanna came to see how you are doing and I have to go so don't do anything stupid...like cook again."
...I happen to be a great cook and a lion in the bedroom meooowww. Leanna sat down at the table right beside my dirty shirt. Not the smartest idea since I had to wear that a few times now. I am a clean person it's just I can't be seen which means no maids to come and clean up after me.
"So Tre how have you been? Oh and this is Robert, my partner." Does she mean sex partner or buisness partner.
"Do you mean sex partner?"
"No Bussness partner." the tanned man ( I don't feel like calling him Robert I'll just forget him after like three minutes anyway..oh look a rubber ducky flying out the window with a unicorn...what was I saying?) Shifted uncomfortably.
"Oh well hi," I said. "And I have been horrible! Have you come back to take care of me?" I battered my eyelashes.
"No Tre I haven't come back for that purpose. I just decided that we've been friends, kind of, for a long time now and just because I quit doesn't mean we can't be friends right?"
What the hell is she talking about. So I nodded my head and made that constipated look of understanding and said, "Exactly."
At this time 'tanned man' whispered something to Leanna and walked out. The room fell silent and she started to play with her hair. I hated it when she would do that when she was annoyed or nervous or just all the time.
I wacked ( well I don't want to sound like I hit her hard cause I didn't I just tapped) her hand away from her hair.
"Stop playing with your hair it's annoying."
"Sorry, God did you have to hit me that hard?" Again I didn't hit her that hard.
Leanna left after...I don't know when I can't read the clocks with the sticks that point. I even have some trouble with digital clocks so don't blame me blame my teacher in third grade. Now I am all alone again with nothing to do.
I went in the bathroom and checked my face. Ahhh tomorrow it should be all cleared up, then of course I can go shopping! What will I buy though? Most likely something to do with a flamingo, I heard that song by Aerosmith, Pink, and I've decided that I must have more pink things. Although yellow is a nice colour too.
Three days later my face and body were cleared up. Thank God. I must say it was a bloody pain putting all that cream shit on. I mean I couldn't have gone any longer having to look after myself like that.
Although Leanna did help some what, she cleaned and cooked and rubbed the cream on those hard to reach areas oh and she also made my bed and all that jazz..in a sense. But I did most of the work, it's a hard job nagging her and poking her with sticks. I really want a smoke. Although that seems out of no where it really isn't if you think about it having a smoke is a sign of relaxation, and that's all I have been doing so there. (You'll see one day that, that sentence made perfect sence. Really think very closely ( that also will make sence in the near future).)
Anyway, now I am in the mall shopping, just like I said I would. You know shopping is a great way to meet new people. That is why I am here... and to find that perfect shirt I saw in a catalogue the other day. But anyway meeting new people is good for the task at hand, you see I shall spot a woman that I find...well perfect for me, and become emotionally attached to her and have a few romantic nights then just leave her.
I know it sounds cruel, but you know I'm sure they won't become attached to me even if I am the most seductive and gorgeous man alive!
The first place to look of course is the book store, I want this one smart! But of course not to smart that they make me seem dumb...just smart enough that they don't run into mating bamboons in a museum, if you catch my drift hehe.
Anyway then I saw her, tall tanned and in a mini skirt. She was beautiful. Now I know I usually go for blondes, but I couldn't pass up this opportunity to try something different, after all I have never fucked a red head.
I walked up to her and charmed her into going drinking with me tommorrow night. Of course I am not taking her to a bar! It needs to be classy...But I don't know any classy restaurants. Maybe Billie would know? Oh and I forgot to mention her name is Carol, I don't think it's the most beautiful name in the world but I mean no one is perfect except me.
Billie wasn't much help, I guess I should have asked Mike then. I went over to Mike's house where I found him sleeping on the couch, it's kind of scary watching him sleep. He drools and mumbles about rabbits.
Being the good person I am I didn't wake him...at first. I didn't mean to I just shut the door a bit to hard, and tripped on a few things on the way out...including his head. But before I could ask him anything, you kicked me out of the house, talk about rude.
Then I went to the new assistent's house. She said she was quitting and threw a book at my face, I don't know what her problem is. The assistent's we get are just getting crazier and crazier I got to tell you.
There was only one place to go...except Mike's house again but I did not want to go there... Leanna!!
I was looking as perfect as ever before I went on stage then next thing I know Mike threw a cooking pan at my head and I woke up in a white room surrounded by doctor peoples.
Of course they had to tell me that Mike thought I was some pervert trying to get in his pants when I just came up to say hello... it's not my fault my hands slipped a bit! But anyway I had apparently broken out into...that itchy stuff..not chicken pox but like...a rash that's it!
(I want chicken soup..oh I was watching the Discovery Channel yesterday and apparently chickens run around for like ten minutes after getting their heads cut off... interesting isn't it!)
So since I got to the hotel room five days ago I have locked myself in here until the rash is gone. It almost looks like a burn. My beautiful face! How could this happen to me? I mean really of all the people it had to happen too, me.
Yup, that's what happened. Oh I have been reading this facinating book called Casinova something...and I have been doing more thinking then I ever have before.
See this guy, Casinova, slept with like...lots of women and he got really attached to them and instead of just having one night stands after he broek apart from them he still loved them and wrote to them and shit. So I've decided being the genious I am, that I will do that too. It's perfect. But since I have screwed all relationships up with all these other girls I have to start fresh!
I'm laying here watching Pretty Woman (the best movie ever! Go Julia Roberts!). Oh there's a knock on the door. Mike walks in and takes a look at me and kind of flinches. I hate him. Oh but look who's behind him! You'll never guess who! Leanna oh and who's that guy behind her... he has a nice tan. He's to tall for her though! I mean I don't mean to jump to conclusions but I think they may be dating seeing as they are giving each other that eye thing like 'wanna ditch this place and fuck like rabbits in the other room?' kind of thing.
I wonder what I would look like in pink socks...I feel the urge to buy things..but yet I can't go out looking like this. Can I?
Any way, whatever is going on between them won't last. No man with a tan like that ever stays hooked to someone for a long time. I look over to Leanna, she has gotten shorter then before. And why is she here anyway?
"Tre." I look away from Leanna towards Mike who interupted my train of thought... what was I thinking anyway? Oh well it mustn't of been important....
Is there something burning. OH MY GOD! My spinach puffs! I got up and ran into the little kitchen. Oh good they aren't that burnt..as long as you take off the first layer of pastery it is fine.
"Tre." Again Mike comes into the room followed by Leanna and that tanned dude. My toe hurts I stubbed it on the edge of something while doing exercises. "Tre!! Leanna came to see how you are doing and I have to go so don't do anything stupid...like cook again."
...I happen to be a great cook and a lion in the bedroom meooowww. Leanna sat down at the table right beside my dirty shirt. Not the smartest idea since I had to wear that a few times now. I am a clean person it's just I can't be seen which means no maids to come and clean up after me.
"So Tre how have you been? Oh and this is Robert, my partner." Does she mean sex partner or buisness partner.
"Do you mean sex partner?"
"No Bussness partner." the tanned man ( I don't feel like calling him Robert I'll just forget him after like three minutes anyway..oh look a rubber ducky flying out the window with a unicorn...what was I saying?) Shifted uncomfortably.
"Oh well hi," I said. "And I have been horrible! Have you come back to take care of me?" I battered my eyelashes.
"No Tre I haven't come back for that purpose. I just decided that we've been friends, kind of, for a long time now and just because I quit doesn't mean we can't be friends right?"
What the hell is she talking about. So I nodded my head and made that constipated look of understanding and said, "Exactly."
At this time 'tanned man' whispered something to Leanna and walked out. The room fell silent and she started to play with her hair. I hated it when she would do that when she was annoyed or nervous or just all the time.
I wacked ( well I don't want to sound like I hit her hard cause I didn't I just tapped) her hand away from her hair.
"Stop playing with your hair it's annoying."
"Sorry, God did you have to hit me that hard?" Again I didn't hit her that hard.
Leanna left after...I don't know when I can't read the clocks with the sticks that point. I even have some trouble with digital clocks so don't blame me blame my teacher in third grade. Now I am all alone again with nothing to do.
I went in the bathroom and checked my face. Ahhh tomorrow it should be all cleared up, then of course I can go shopping! What will I buy though? Most likely something to do with a flamingo, I heard that song by Aerosmith, Pink, and I've decided that I must have more pink things. Although yellow is a nice colour too.
Three days later my face and body were cleared up. Thank God. I must say it was a bloody pain putting all that cream shit on. I mean I couldn't have gone any longer having to look after myself like that.
Although Leanna did help some what, she cleaned and cooked and rubbed the cream on those hard to reach areas oh and she also made my bed and all that jazz..in a sense. But I did most of the work, it's a hard job nagging her and poking her with sticks. I really want a smoke. Although that seems out of no where it really isn't if you think about it having a smoke is a sign of relaxation, and that's all I have been doing so there. (You'll see one day that, that sentence made perfect sence. Really think very closely ( that also will make sence in the near future).)
Anyway, now I am in the mall shopping, just like I said I would. You know shopping is a great way to meet new people. That is why I am here... and to find that perfect shirt I saw in a catalogue the other day. But anyway meeting new people is good for the task at hand, you see I shall spot a woman that I find...well perfect for me, and become emotionally attached to her and have a few romantic nights then just leave her.
I know it sounds cruel, but you know I'm sure they won't become attached to me even if I am the most seductive and gorgeous man alive!
The first place to look of course is the book store, I want this one smart! But of course not to smart that they make me seem dumb...just smart enough that they don't run into mating bamboons in a museum, if you catch my drift hehe.
Anyway then I saw her, tall tanned and in a mini skirt. She was beautiful. Now I know I usually go for blondes, but I couldn't pass up this opportunity to try something different, after all I have never fucked a red head.
I walked up to her and charmed her into going drinking with me tommorrow night. Of course I am not taking her to a bar! It needs to be classy...But I don't know any classy restaurants. Maybe Billie would know? Oh and I forgot to mention her name is Carol, I don't think it's the most beautiful name in the world but I mean no one is perfect except me.
Billie wasn't much help, I guess I should have asked Mike then. I went over to Mike's house where I found him sleeping on the couch, it's kind of scary watching him sleep. He drools and mumbles about rabbits.
Being the good person I am I didn't wake him...at first. I didn't mean to I just shut the door a bit to hard, and tripped on a few things on the way out...including his head. But before I could ask him anything, you kicked me out of the house, talk about rude.
Then I went to the new assistent's house. She said she was quitting and threw a book at my face, I don't know what her problem is. The assistent's we get are just getting crazier and crazier I got to tell you.
There was only one place to go...except Mike's house again but I did not want to go there... Leanna!!
