I lack social skills.

Every weekend my Mom says “why don’t you invite one of your friends over”. I’ll say ok and never call them or e-mail them. I don’t feel comfortable asking some of them. There busy, and for some reason whenever I e-mail them they don’t respond until after the day I have asked them to come over has passed. At lunch they normally talk about something I have no knowledge of, like what happened in there friggen “advanced math” class and how easy it is, when I can hardly figure out my lower level math, I’m sure that makes me feel genius. Or they talk about books I have never read. Or they gossip, I don’t like to get into that stuff. Sometimes I’ll try to start a conversation, I’ll ask something “what music have you been listening to” and they will brush it off “oh nothing”, “I don’t know just music”. And start talking about something I don’t know anything about. Sometimes I try to join in with there conversation, but they normally answer my questions with “I don’t know” or ignore me. Sometimes they all go to study during lunch and don’t tell me, then I end up sitting alone.

Yesterday my mom asked to talk to my therapist (yes I have a therapist, a lot of people do, have you ever noticed how much therapists there are and so few people who see any, hmm maybe people just PRETEND they don’t see one) I’m guessing she said something like “Jenna isn’t popular and doesn’t like to socialize with people a lot” because as soon as I walked in she starting talking about how I don’t have a lot of close friends. She told me I should just listen to what they where talking about and ask questions. She also told me I won’t find the perfect group of people. I told her I don’t really want to have to pretend to have interests I don’t have and that I want my friends to like me for my own interests and if they don’t then I don’t get how that’s a good friend.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t try to be mean our do anything that makes people not want to be around me, if I do something like that I don’t mean to insult anyone and I’m just not thinking. I am aware of the fact that I’m different from them but it’s not one of those groups where everyone is the same. If I have to conform to have friends then I don’t want friends. I wish people would like me for who I am. Everyone tells me that high school will be better, I think it will be worse. I’m worried my friends will stop hanging out with me and find smarter, more social, better friends then me. I’m not good at talking to people I don’t know. Every time I meet someone “nice” at a camp or something they always end up being jerks. I’d just rather be alone. I’m normally happier doing stuff independently or just fantasizing about having friends then actually hanging out with people.

One thing I need to say is my peers are not mean, they don’t tell me to go away or insult me. They just don’t always include me as much as they include a lot of the other people. I’m not the loner who sits alone and doesn’t talk to anyone. There are a few kids I talk to a lot. But most of them don’t seem to want to include me. Not everyone is like that. I’m not writing this to insult my peers or anything, I’m just trying to get these thoughts out of my head and see if anyone has the same issues or any advice. I feel bad for writing this now.
Posted on January 18th, 2008 at 03:57pm

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