The Network: Exposed

Just exactly who are The Network? Many people have been asking this question lately. The Network tried to come across as the solution to the decline in musical quality these days, but their hidden agenda couldn’t be kept a secret forever. Read on to discover The Network for what they really are: heartless con artists, masters of deception and trickery.

FinkLet me start you off with some background knowledge on the specimens that make up The Network. Fink, who is often referred to as the demented leader of the band, was at one point involved in the M.I.T. where he got a hefty sum of money from a nuclear invention. He later claimed he uses that money to finance The Network, which isn't true. That's just one area where this sleazy little man is taking credit for the wonderful things Billie Joe did for The Network. Van Gough was bound to be mentally unstable, from the age of 10 he was forced to work in his uncle's slaughter house, child labor laws don't apply in Belgium, which is where he descends from. When he was 18 he decided to move to Tibet and climb Mt. Everest. After only his 12th attempt he fled to Oakland, California. What a quitter, I mean sure, he had frostbite on 80% of his body, but he still had the other 20%, what a pansy. He also raises animals for experimental purposes. Hmm, Fink is an ex-scientist (although it is rumored he had a lab in an Oakland warehouse) and Van Gough raises lab rats, do I sense a conspiracy here? Only time will tell...

You may think they don't sound too corrupted yet, but the true criminal has yet to be mentioned. At one point in his life he was a well know wrestler... from Argentina, I'm sure you all have heard of him, The Snoo. This felon had been jailed twice in Texas for messing with Texas, a major offense there. He was lucky, most people get 20 years to life for that! Even though The Network became successful he refuses to let it tamper with the way he dresses. This rebel also passes the time by eating hot peppers.

Captain Underpants is an Olympic gold medalists on the Swedish team, although no one is really sure in which events he competed. He also speaks 7 different languages, and his stutter in noticeable in them all. Captain Underpants is also gifted in making instruments.

Last but certainly not least is Z. I wish I could tell you his real name, but many philosophers have struggled with pronouncing it and all have failed, most ended up in mental institutions. That's how complicated it is to say, so he goes by Z for safety purposes. He enjoys hitchhiking and plays on Captain Underpants' keyboards using only one finger.

Mad scientists and hitchhikers, not a pleasant mix, but their manager is evil in its sickest form, just listen to how he talks about Billie Joe Armstrong: "Well, Mr. Hot Shot Punk God with the giant penis, just because you wrote Keep Them Separated and Endless Love, don't come screaming at us because we are young and hot. We're here to start a revolution, and either you are in or you are out." The lack of musical knowledge makes me ill. Someone needs to send him a copy of the album Smash and inform him Billie Joe is not associated with Endless Love. It's disrespect and completely incorrect statements like these that prove Doctor S is immature and lashes out Green Day because his life is lame. The jealousy just oozes off anything Green Day related he says.

One rumor the Doctor started (though he denies it and says Green Day started it themselves) was that The Network is in fact Green Day! Any Green Day fan can look upon that nonsense and laugh. Aside from the fact that Green Day is so much better looking (The Network's faces would more than likely break cameras, that's the real reason why they wear masks), The Network is a New Wave band, practically Pop, nothing at all like Green Day. Another major difference is that Green Day isn't involved in the scandals like The Network is. Van Gough has been proven to take part in a sex scandal with a sheep in Florida. Being the spineless person he is, he blamed it on Estelle Getty, from the Golden Girls. What's next, this may be a sign he is following in a tall blonde's foot steps and on the way to making a sex tape, and that, my friends, is not hot.

Even though there are great differences between the two bands, The Network has a habit of copying Green Day. It isn't uncommon for a Green Day album to begin with drums; can you guess who else's album begins with drums? None other than The Network. Not only do they insult Green Day (which is done very lamely might I add) they are now taking their sound. How much lower can these guys get? The Network, however, says it's the other way around, and that Green Day copies their style and has been for years. As Fink puts it, "Green Day are a bunch of rip-off artists and have been stealing The Network's ideas for years. Here is the proof: The Network put a record out then Green Day puts a record out; The Network performs a live show and then Green Day performs a live show! Coincidence? I think not! Come up with something new you bitches and stop stealing our ideas."

The rather sad part of this is how caught up The Network is in the lie they created, it's almost like they have tricked themselves into believing it. They have contemplated reasons as to why they can't be Green Day. Doctor S says, "The Network does not do 9 minute songs on albums (unless by chance your CD skips and then proceeds to skip for 9 minutes). The Network do not have time to listen to a 9 minute song - there is shopping to do." FinkWell, I hardly find that a reason at all, just because The Network lacks the musical talent to produce a nine-minute song doesn't prove they're not Green Day. What proves they are not Green Day is the fact that their band is an odd assortment of misguided people with nothing better to do than to interfere in other people's lives, something Green Day would never ever do. Sadly, Green Day has no one else to blame but Billie Joe for the trouble The Network has caused. Being the kind, caring, sensitive person he is, he couldn't sign the band fast enough to Adeline. All he wanted to do was help them make it in the music industry. Now look at what Doctor S has to say about him, "That potty mouthed, commie lead singer of theirs, Billy Jean Armstrong! Who does this guy think he is? Wow, he signed us to his record label! Wow, he gave us an insane advance that we used on buying Patrick Nagel paintings! Wow, he then got us signed to Warner's! We should be grateful because of this? I don't think so try harder buddy! You would sign A-Ha if you thought it would get you street cred back!" Just set aside the fact that he doesn't know BILLIE JOE'S name and let the hateful message sink in, pathetic.

One person can only take so much before they strike back and Billie Joe certainly did when he said, "I just wanted to talk about the rumors and the bullshit that has been going on lately. All I gotta say is fuck The Network. These guys are totally spreading rumors. I try to do those guys a favor by bringing them to this country and putting out their record and this is how I get repaid, by talking shit about my band. Unfortunately there is a contract and I have to put out their record. The only thing I can say is fuck you Network, bring it on." Good job Billie, someone needed to say it!

Even then, he was being nice. He didn't bring them to this country, they were exiled from theirs because of their strong belief in the Church Of Lushotology. A romance writer developed the Church, sometimes referred to as a cult. The religion all revolves around a substance they refer to as "drink". It is said that if enough "drink" is consumed you can reach an almost godly state called "drunkenness". Now, what they call a religion seems to indicate to me that someone needs to go to an AA meeting, but unlike the guys in The Network, I'm not a Lushtologist, so what do I know?

This brings me to the conclusion. I know how shocked and appalled you must all be feeling now, don't worry, soon it will turn to rage everything will be better again. The Network have deceived an entire nation, but not anymore. Now they have been exposed for the worthless liars they truly are.

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